In line with mental awareness month, I would like to share what I’ve been through these past months. It took me a lot of courage and bravery before I finally decided to write this down and share it to the online community.

I grew up thinking that depression is just an extreme case of sadness, a loneliness. Also, that having a psychiatrist to help you means something is wrong with your mind or likely to jump into quick conclusion that you are crazy. Until recently that people became aware of what depression really is. Months ago, I had my heart broken again. Yes, again. Ended up an almost four-year relationship. A lot of friends told me, “You’ll get over it. Ano ka ba? You are stronger than the pain.” “You’ve been through this, I know you can handle this well.” “Nakaya mo nga ‘yung heartache ng seven-year relationship, ‘yan pa kaya.” I also thought I’d get through the pain, that eventually I would wake up and everything would be okay. But I was wrong. Pain is pain no matter the amount of time you are with that person. I know my friends wanted to help me cope up. They wanted me to be strong. They wanted me to be alright. But this second heartache hit me hard. I cried for days, even cried for no reason at all. I thought I was just sad, but then again I  was wrong. It came to a point that I couldn’t eat properly and I threw up everything I ate. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep hoping that sleep could take all the pain away. I wanted to sleep so I could make the pain to stop. My prayer turned from, “God, take away the pain” to “God, please let me sleep forever.” I have no energy to go to work and see no reason and purpose of doing so. There were times that the pain went away, emptiness replaced. Days went by that I felt like my energy was slipping away. Loneliness is overrated. At first I blamed myself on how everything went wrong. Then I blamed him. Then I questioned God. As far as I know and believe I always tried my best to be His obedient daughter. I followed almost evrything by the book. I questioned, if loves me that much why did He allow these things to happento my life. How can He not take the pain I’m feeling? Then I refused to talk to Him, I refused to pray. I missed so many Sunday services. All these happened so fast and found myself drinking. I wanted to experience how it felt like to get drunk because I wanted escape. I wanted to escape badly and forget everything. My mother accidentally found out about this and immediately called me. She was crying. She was hurting as well. She immediately booked a flight for me to be with my sister. After a day or two, alone in our house, realization hit me. I was hurt; but my mom, my dad, my sister, were greatly hurt too. For the first time after so many weeks, I prayed. I prayed hard and cried. I realized as I cried, God wiping my tears. I thought, “Kung sina Mama nga nasasaktan para sa akin what more pa si Lord.” I cried some more. I was just so blinded by the fact that I dwelled on the pain but not His promise and greatness. Then I started to pick up the pieces of me again. I acknowledge the fact that I was depressed and needed help.
It helped a lot that I have friends who took time and effort to listen to me. They prayed for me, cried for me and joined me in standing up again. I write again. I paint again. I stopped the blame game. I knew that it was not his intention to hurt me. I just had to let go. To learn to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I let the Lord work His wonders to let me be a strong person. I acknowledge that it’s not always “I can” but “God always can.”

I am not saying that I am totally okay now. One step at a time I get by. By God’s grace, with my family’s support, with my friends’ love.

Depression is not something that can be fix overnight. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and acceptance. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Open up to your family, to your friends. Let them in in your heart. Dwell on the pain but not too long. Slowly stand up, start all over again. Don't be afraid. After all the trials, I know, I believe and I pray you will be a better version of yourself. Life is always beautiful. 
     

Once I visited an unknown and very beautiful island. It was popular, I heard about it a million times yet once I arrived it captivated my heart. Words ran out to describe its beauty. It was surreal. Its water was inviting and before I knew it, I found myself diving into it. Then it dawn on me, I couldn't swim. So there I was, mesmerized by the island's beauty, dived into its waters without hesitation, and now drowning. "I might die today but heck I will die in the arms of beauty," I thought. I was in the middle of this thought when someone grabbed me. Someone took me out of the water and swam me back safely to the shore. Someone saved me and asked me to admire the island's beauty first. Savored every sensation it has to offer. And so I did. Afterwards, he taught me how to swim, he taught me how to enjoy the island's water. He taught me to understand its mood. Then, encouraged me to swam further. Encouraged me to explore more. I swam and swam. I was pretty confident now that I wouldn't drown, or if I did, someone was there to save me. I swam further and further until I noticed that he was now ashore. He was just there standing, looking at me looking tired. I tried to swam towards him, but when I reached the shore, he was gone. I stared back at the ocean, its beauty stared back at me. But this time, the feeling was different. Something strange happened. Now I noticed the danger of coming to the island. The danger that though I was equipped with the knowledge of it and have learned how to swim, I now fear testing the waters again. Because now I know that the water is too deep and I've lost the confidence to swim into it again.