A good friend of mine wrote this touching piece and the urge to repost it here was so strong that I think if she wouldn't let me repost this, I'll bug her forever. Haha. Luckily, in this time I am fortunate enough to walk with this journey in faith and life with her. I am blessed having her. Thank you, Czei! Okay, enough of my sentiments. Here it is:
Love and Rainy Days
Rainy days! Ah! Rainy days always prompt me to write. And I guess this time is not an exemption.
The sound of the rain always illicit a warm response from within me, mostly because I tend to conjure up images of people huddled together tightly under an umbrella or under a blanket. I myself will cuddle in a comfortable chair with a hot cup of coffee, enjoying the laziness rainy days bring out in people, my heart and mind wandering about, creating romantic scenes associated with rain and the sound of it as it hits the pavement.
All of my friends know that I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I hoard romantic books, loves songs and love poems, quotations, movies, series… you name it. I chase romance like a butterfly to a flower, always on the lookout for something sweet to sustain me for the rest of the day. One of my closest friends used to say that I’m in love with the idea of love, and looking back, I can honestly (though not proudly) say that all those times I felt my heart and pulse race because of another person’s presence, I was falling in love with love. Well, of course, I didn’t know it at that time. I insisted with all the confidence of a wanna-be superstar that I know what it is to love someone. That I was ready to plunge into a relationship based solely with the way a guy smiles, or the way his eyes shine when he’s talking of basketball. It’s actually a little funny and ironic because all my prayers now are pleas for God to teach me how to love.
You see, the keyword there is ‘hopeless.’ I mistook romance for love. I attributed the goo-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach, head-pounding-cause-of-excessive-supply-of-oxygen feeling to something as grand as Love. After a series of disappointments, bitterness, and disillusionment brought about by my selfish demand for perfection, I actually came to a point where I told myself that it’s better to grow old alone. Forget the romantic growing-old-together with someone - I simply cannot live with a person who doesn’t know the difference between yours and your’s. I viewed Love as if it was my English term paper: for all the wrong prepositions, paragraphs, and misplaced sentences, points are deducted. I demanded perfection without really seeing whether I can honestly say I’ve reached that standard I so stubbornly demanded on other people.
But seeing within myself made things a lot worse. Now, I can see my flaws, my insecurities, my imperfections. It horrified and scared me, and it intensified my conviction not to be with anyone. I thought, “Now, there’s no one who will love someone as wretched as me.” It created a bitter hollow inside me seeing I’m not worthy enough to be loved by a wonderful person. I was so sure that no one in his right mind would want to be with a girl who could get by without a shower during rainy days. In my naivety, I thought my standards are THE standards. And since I can’t reach the standards I’ve built for myself, I was so sure no one will.
It is during these moments of “kaemohan” that God spoke to me and said, “My precious daughter, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not be afraid to go out there. You can love because I loved you first.” (Psalms 139: 14; 1 John 4:19)
Wow! Those are some powerful sentences there. When I realized how much God loves me - that He sent Jesus to die for my sins so I can experience true joy and freedom - I realized how trite and cynic my view of Love is. I remembered crying - because I feel honored, and because I realized that I was always chasing love the wrong way for all the wrong reasons.
I was always on the lookout for what I can gain by the relationship - happiness for me, acceptance for me, higher self-esteem for me. And sadly, all the romantic relationships I’ve encountered that ended up in separation and broken hearts also have the self syndrome in them. “He doesn’t make me feel the same way anymore.” “He doesn’t care about me.” “He just doesn’t understand everything I’m saying.” etc etc. Of course, it isn’t wrong to expect such things from people whom you’ve made a commitment to, but this shouldn’t be the root or the foundation of the relationship, as these things cover the limited understanding of just one person.
A person cannot give you the same level of affection everytime. A person isn’t wired to give you the same emotional high everytime you hold hands, nor can he/she feed those butterflies in your stomach. Feelings diminish over time. If you base your definition of love with the way the other person makes you feel, then expect love to fly out of the window the moment a storm arrives. This kind of love is unhealthy. It doesn’t help you grow as a person. Much more, it hurts the other person too, damaging their hearts so long as the relationship drags.
The truth is, we cannot experience the “ideal love” without a solid foundation. In relation, we can only give out love if we receive it. And we can only find it in the source of Love itself - God.
Have you ever wondered why it has always become a necessity that when we love people, we expect to be loved back? Many songs and poems are written because of what we call the ‘unrequited love’ - the longing that is not met or fulfilled by the object of affection. And many hearts acquired scars because of it. The reason simply is because when we love, we give something of ourselves away; and when we give something away, it isn’t ours anymore. Since we can only give what we have, when we give love away, there’ll be no love left in us. That’s why when the affection isn’t returned, we are left with gaps and holes inside us that we desperately try to fill. This is the reason why there are many people who vow never to love again, because they cannot now give something that they do not have.
But what happens when we focus our attention to God and not to wordly romance? When we make God the center of our life? When we experience God - who is the real meaning of Love - and let Him fill our hearts and souls, love will overflow within and beyond us. And the overflow of this love, this joy and contentment and satisfaction, is what we give away to other people. And because we have an unlimited source, we wouldn’t be afraid that our love won’t be returned, because the love we give is only a tiny fraction, the falling crumbs of a full vessel. Isn’t that a very comforting thought? We can love and love as many people as we can, as many times as we want, without the fear of being empty-handed, because we know at the end of it all, the love of God will still continue to overflow. This is the kind of love that makes new life. The kind of love that transforms not only us, but also those people around us.
Imagine a life where there are no sad love songs. No pillows wet at night. No hoarding of ice creams and chocolates whenever the memory of a lost love strikes. No telephone calls to late-night radio programs. No broken hearts. Can you picture it for a moment? It may seem impossible, but with God’s grace, it can happen.
Is there anything more romantic than this?
As I type the last sentence, I get a little giddy inside. And very, very excited. I, for one, am in the middle of experiencing God’s love. I can’t explain it well, but it’s not as temporary as the kilig I get when I see my crush in a gorgeous haircut. The kilig that comes from knowing how much God loves me changes not only the way I feel, but the way I live my life. Compared to when I was chasing romance, there is so much more meaning in chasing God, because He continuous to reveal Himself to me. Everyday, there is something new to ponder about Him. And everyday, I am left completely breathless and in awe of how much I am loved by the Creator of the heavens and the earth. And yes, this is the kind of love that enables me to live a new life. The kind of love that rejects all insecurities, and doubts, and fear, and empowers me to live free and wanted.
It is still raining here. And my mind still wanders on the possibility of two people finally meeting each other during this cold weather. And maybe, I’d get a little jealous, as what usually happens when I wonder when will my time for romance come. But I will smile, because I know that it is also one of God’s miracles. I will smile because I can live everyday knowing that I can finally love.
Hope you've been blessed! :) ~Misadventurer/paperhoarder
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NLT)
