Just like many of my posts here, this is an overdue blog. I am supposed to sleep right now but as of the moment thoughts and different emotions run to my mind. And so it leads me to writing this. 

Why I'm pushing the topic? It's because I AM NOW 26! It's been more than a month now since my birthday and I planned to write this as I hit 26 years old. The title bugged me for a while and been on my mind for quite sometime now. In my twenty-six years of my existence what did I contribute to this world?  What did life taught me? The answer hit me hard. Months before I turned 26, my life turned upside down, I turn away to the old me and began exploring the changing self. Inspecting every bits of me, calculating every emotions hidden inside of me. These past few months I felt like riding a roller-coaster with my emotions at stake. I've been through ups and downs, ups and downs, ups and downs until it exhaust my heart. I quit my 5-year work in a multi-media company, my health failed (slightly) and I had my heart broken :(. And why am I telling all these? I just wanted to unload this pain inside me and this is the only way I know of. Life taught me to be strong, experience taught me to be brave and heartaches taught me to be tough. I am now learning to be really independent. And to all of these, it leads me to a stronger faith in God. For this reason, I want to thank you ( I know you know who you are). I don't want to live life with this growing pain and bitterness inside of me, I know if I harbor on this pain, it will eat me up then I will become a bitter person. I know you deserve more than what you prayed for, you are a good man. I know God wrote down our story the way it was happening right now to teach us both something we are not aware of. Through this blog/letter I wanted to express my apologies if I said/done something that hurt you. Please understand that I'm in pain in those moment and I know that you were in agony as well. We shared so many memories, all of which I will cherish my whole life and forever be grateful for. You've been my friend, my better half, my adviser, my second father. I want to thank you for teaching a lot of things in life, for always being there when I need you most, for always listening to me when I thought nobody would want to hear all my rants. Thank you for saving me countless times. Thank you for sharing a part of your life, your friends, your family to me. And most of all thank you for leading and introducing me to Him. I may not fathom the reason behind all of these by now but I know in time we both will.  

At this period of my life I am trying to figure out what I really want in my life, after being devastated and feeling shattered. I was trying to discover what God's plan for me. Trying hard to focus on His will and the greater promise for me because I am His precious daughter. You can't really put your security into a relationship, you have to lift it up all to Him. Yeah, yeah, your head must be spinning  na by this time. Why am I talking in riddles? Why can't I get to the point? That I can't really answer. :( I am really just typing aimlessly, unloading these words. I am feeling great pain, I am in great pain. And I don't where to start to prevent my heart from breaking apart. I tried so hard to mask all these pain to a fake smile. But sometimes no matter how hard you fake a smile you can't deceive yourself. You can't really fake what you feel. 

I know that I can get pass through all this by His grace and wisdom. I know in time, in His perfect time I can smile with all my heart. I can face the world with a new self. But right now this hoarder is busy picking up her heart's broken pieces through God's guidance. Sorry if no crafts update, misadventure stories and all lately. But believe me na-ipon na sila.

photo credits to Google.

Ahhhh! I should really sleep, call time at 6 in the morning and it's already 2 am. And oh, a bit of good news to lighten up the mood I set earlier, this misadventurer/hoarder is no longer a bum as of the moment. Yeah, got an eight-to-five job now. Thank you for reading this long post.       

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18